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Labrador Retriever For Sale

This guy is driving through Oklahoma on the way back home to Texas, and he spots a sign in front of a house on a rural road: "Talking Dog For Sale." He stops the car, backs up, drives into the driveway, walks up to the front door, rings the bell, and the door opens. The traveler inquires about the "talking dog", and the owner promptly directs the guy to the back yard.

There, sits a Labrador Retriever sitting beside a doghouse.

"You talk?", he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So...what's your story?"

The Lab looks up with big eyes, licks his nose and chops with a big tongue and then says..."Well, I discovered I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government in the Bush, then the Obama Administration, so I went and called the CIA one day on the telephone while my master was away. I told them all about my 'gift', and in no time at all they had me jetting to country to country, sitting in meeting rooms, listening outside hotel room doors, watching hand-overs taking place beside fire hydrants in front of outside marketplaces and I could spy on world leaders and their spies, because no one figured out that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of the CIA's most valuable spies for eight years running!"

"But, the jetting-around really tired me out as you know, in a dog's life, our years accelerate faster than yours. I knew I was not getting any younger, so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the Oklahoma City Airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters, listening in, and sniffing luggage, boxes and pants."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. Then, I got married and had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed at all this! He goes back where the owner is standing on the porch and asks him how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars!!" "That's all", said the owner.

"But...why only ten dollars?" "This dog is amazing." "Why on earth are you selling this dog so cheap?", inquires the interested traveler.

"Because the dog is a damned liar! He never did any of that stuff!"


"Life of Lulu" by Nick Johnson. Nick is a middle school student who lives in Fillmore.
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"Life of Lulu" by Nick Johnson. Nick is a middle school student who lives in Fillmore.
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DOGGY DICTIONARY - Partial listing

[Not in Dictionary alpha order at all, as Dog's don't really care about human stuff...]

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead a live human person where you want him/her to go.

DOGGIE BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest bedroom or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: A slimy liquid, which, when combined with sad eyes, forces humans to give you their food. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can to the chair of the human and get the drool on the carpet, tiles or the foot of the human.

SNIFF: A social custom for canines used to greet other dogs, and in conspicuous places other than the face...similar to humans exchanging business cards.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once every week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to nuzzle the lid off with your nose. If you do this right, you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread to drop to the gathering flies.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled human exercise machines, invented mainly and strictly for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, barking and snarling loudly and run alongside the pedals for a few yards. The person then swerves, is scared, and falls onto the curve or into a fire hydrant. Then you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their "person" wants them in and the dog wants to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction or lying down. The person gets emotional at this.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end! Humans remain generally absolutely calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the immense danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes, whining and yapping and hiding under things, usually near electrical cords and outlets which tightening the cords as you squirm, allows the human to panic and rush to grab the appliance at the other end.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, old candy wrappers and occasionally human spit! It is important to evenly distribute its internal parts throughout the house before your person comes home.

BATH: If you find something especially good to roll in, humans get jealous and then they resort to this degrading form of torture to get even. Be sure you shake, rattle and roll only when next to a person or a piece of their living room or dining room furniture.

LEG UP: Every good dog's response to the command "SIT!" Especially if your person is dressed for an evening out, is in a hurry or has company. Best to do this is if you want to go out and roll into something or watch your person go into orbit.

BUMP: The best way to get your humans attention when they are drinking a hot cup of liquid.

CHILDREN: Short humans with optimal petting height. Standing close to one of these assures some good petting and nose-touching, especially when dogs have a cold. When running, they are good to chase especially when snarling and barking at these diminutive creatures. They usually fall down exhibiting some form of tremor and violent activity.

Now, naturally, little black, short-haired dogs will like this partial list of Dog Dictionary items. Pebbles The Wonder Dog may need to practice a little, but could be he already knows these tactics. /zca/


"Life of Lulu" by Nick Johnson. - Nick is a middle school student who lives in Fillmore.
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This is for the over 50 generation: (my apologies to those under 50)

I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating" You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."


"Life of Lulu" by Nick Johnson. - Nick is a middle school student who lives in Fillmore.
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This financial crisis is forcing California State and local agencies to make some tough decisions. If things continue for much longer, there's a real risk that we may have to lay off Jose.
This financial crisis is forcing California State and local agencies to make some tough decisions. If things continue for much longer, there's a real risk that we may have to lay off Jose.
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"Life of Lulu" by Nick Johnson. - Nick is a middle school student who lives in Fillmore.
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Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the dog.

#1. Governor starts to intervene, reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural.

#2. Governor calls Animal Control. Animal Control captures coyote and spends $200 testing it for diseases and $500 upon relocating it.

#3. Governor calls a veterinarian. Vet collects dead dog and spends $200 testing it for diseases.

#4. Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting bite wound bandaged.

#5. Nature trail gets shut down for 6 months while wildlife services conduct a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is clear of dangerous animals.

#6. Governor spends $50,000 of state funds implementing a "coyote awareness" program for residents of the area.

#7. State legislature spends $2 million investigating how to better handle rabies and how to possibly eradicate the disease.

#8. Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack and for letting the Governor intervene.

#9. Cost: $75,000 to train new security agent.

#10. PETA protests the coyote relocation and files suit against the state.


Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the dog.

#1. Governor whips out his .357, shoots coyote and continues jogging.
Buzzards eat dead coyote.
Governor has spent 50¢ of his own money on an ACP hollow point cartridge.



"Life of Lulu" by Nick Johnson. - Nick is a middle school student who lives in Fillmore.
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My Living Will


night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them , 'I never want to
live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the
Computer, and threw out my wine.

are SO on my [!@#$] list ...

"Life of Lulu" by Nick Johnson. - Nick is a middle school student who lives in Fillmore.
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"Life of Lulu" by Nick Johnson. - Nick is a middle school student who lives in Fillmore.
Enlarge Photo

"Life of Lulu" by Nick Johnson. - Nick is a middle school student who lives in Fillmore.
Enlarge Photo

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right because everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it any more.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders". Guess where I am now...


Cowboy Rules

Cowboy Rules:

1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10 &I-40 go east and west, I-17 &I-15 goes north and south. Pick one and go.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah ... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat ... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!

A true Westerner will send this to at least 10 others and a few new friends that probably won't get it, but we're friendly so we share in hopes you can begin to understand what a real life is all about!!!

"Life of Lulu" by Nick Johnson. - Nick is a middle school student who lives in Fillmore.
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Urine or You're Out

I just received this in an email; I thought I would pass it along:
Like most folks in this country, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes & the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit.

In order to get that paycheck, in my case, I am required to pass a random urine test (with which I have no problem).

What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test.

So, here is my question: Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them?

Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their BUTT doing drugs while I work.
Can you imagine how much money each state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?
I guess we could call the program "URINE OR YOU'RE OUT"!
Pass this along if you agree or simply delete if you don't. Hope you all will pass it along, though. Something has to change in this country - AND SOON!

P.S. Just a thought, all politicians should have to pass a urine test too!

I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?'

She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'

Her parents beamed with pride.

"Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ' Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50? '

I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.