DOGGY DICTIONARY - Partial listing

[Not in Dictionary alpha order at all, as Dog's don't really care about human stuff...]

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead a live human person where you want him/her to go.

DOGGIE BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest bedroom or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: A slimy liquid, which, when combined with sad eyes, forces humans to give you their food. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can to the chair of the human and get the drool on the carpet, tiles or the foot of the human.

SNIFF: A social custom for canines used to greet other dogs, and in conspicuous places other than the face...similar to humans exchanging business cards.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once every week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to nuzzle the lid off with your nose. If you do this right, you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread to drop to the gathering flies.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled human exercise machines, invented mainly and strictly for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, barking and snarling loudly and run alongside the pedals for a few yards. The person then swerves, is scared, and falls onto the curve or into a fire hydrant. Then you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their "person" wants them in and the dog wants to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction or lying down. The person gets emotional at this.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end! Humans remain generally absolutely calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the immense danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes, whining and yapping and hiding under things, usually near electrical cords and outlets which tightening the cords as you squirm, allows the human to panic and rush to grab the appliance at the other end.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, old candy wrappers and occasionally human spit! It is important to evenly distribute its internal parts throughout the house before your person comes home.

BATH: If you find something especially good to roll in, humans get jealous and then they resort to this degrading form of torture to get even. Be sure you shake, rattle and roll only when next to a person or a piece of their living room or dining room furniture.

LEG UP: Every good dog's response to the command "SIT!" Especially if your person is dressed for an evening out, is in a hurry or has company. Best to do this is if you want to go out and roll into something or watch your person go into orbit.

BUMP: The best way to get your humans attention when they are drinking a hot cup of liquid.

CHILDREN: Short humans with optimal petting height. Standing close to one of these assures some good petting and nose-touching, especially when dogs have a cold. When running, they are good to chase especially when snarling and barking at these diminutive creatures. They usually fall down exhibiting some form of tremor and violent activity.

Now, naturally, little black, short-haired dogs will like this partial list of Dog Dictionary items. Pebbles The Wonder Dog may need to practice a little, but could be he already knows these tactics. /zca/