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My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest.

Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more.

Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's with Muslums.

Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy!

Can you help?
Signed, Lost in DC

Dear Lost:
Stop whining, Michelle.
You can divorce the jerk any time you want.
The rest of us are stuck with him for two more years!

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:

“I wan’ all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan’ all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:

“I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the Skins say:

“I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,”

Matt Millen of the Raiders said: “To win, I’d run over Joe’s Mom, too.”

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:

“He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings…”

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:

“Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh:

“I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.”

(Now, that is beautiful!)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:

“You guys line up alphabetically by height…” And, “You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle.”

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:

“Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.”

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:

“That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes.”

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:

“He's a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is.”

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:

“My sister's expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”

(I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:

“I asked him, ‘Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?’

He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don't care.’”

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F’s and one D:

“Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.”

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:

“I can go to my left or right…I am amphibious.”

15. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips,

Phillips responded: “Because she is too ugly to kiss good-bye.”

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel "pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land".

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the Promised Land".

Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the promised land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc... I called Lifeline, the suicide help line.

Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Click here: http://ak.imgag.com/imgag/product/preview/flash/bws8Shell.swf?ihost=http...