I'm really stumped this week for a topic I can finish in one hour. I had to pick something light and mostly meaningless, so I'll say a few words about Democratic presidential candidates. Just listing them will take-up nearly half the length of this column.

Tom Steyer. If you like more investigations and impeachment, Tom is your guy.

Joe Biden. Old guys are said to be disappearing. Joe is an old guy. Therefore Joe is disappearing.

Elizabeth Warren. Cheek bones worked for her preferred educational status; may work again as POTUS?

Kamala Harris. Wants to forgive student debt. Wish that were possible when I was in college.

Bernie Sanders. Old Communist sympathizer, honeymooned in Moscow. Fits right in.

Pete Buttigieg. Not pronounced buttgig.

Cory Booker. Reminds me a lot of Homer Simpson.

Julián Castro. I know nothing of Mr. Castro.

Amy Klobuchar. Has a temper.

Beto O’Rourke. Fake nickname. Habitually waves arms when addressing crowds.

Jay Inslee. Big climate phobia.

Tulsi Gabbard. Loves marijuana.

Kirsten Gillibrand. Wants Roe v. Wade codified.

Andrew Yang. Likes free government money.

Bill de Blasio. 42 percent of Democrats and independents think he should drop out.

Steve Bullock. Focused on ending influence of unlimited political contributions and dark money.

John Delaney. Been running for president since 2017.

Michael Bennet. I don’t know who Michael is.

John Hickenlooper. Great name!

Tim Ryan. Against packing the Supreme Court.

Seth Moulton. I don't know who Seth is.

Wayne Messam. I don't know who Wayne is.

Joe Sestak. Wants statehood for Puerto Rico.